Last night I picked up a message from one of Jeff's friends...

"Yo, JD! Keep May 4th open, because we're all going to spend the weekend at my cabin!"

An entire weekend with The Lovelies? This job is much larger than the superstar sunglasses.

I have constructed a list.
I will only attend Weekend Gorgeous if the following demands are met:

1. There will be no swimsuit competitions.

2. There will be no "Let's see who looks the prettiest without make-up" games.

3. No one will yell, "Let's see who can run the fastest!!!"

4. No switching partners.

5. No contests to see who can guess my weight.

6. No filming of amateur porn. No filming of any other type of porn.

7. No challenges to see how many of the girls can concurrently fit into my shorts.

8. No blow-job simulation with pickles. No blow-job simulation at all, in fact.

9. No asking me why I'm wearing my sunglasses after dark.

10. No asking me why I'm drinking so much.

Later days, Dawson! Goodbye, Gilmore Girls! Toodle-oo, Ed! Sayonara, Seventh Heaven! Tomorrow I will be embarking on another adventure. I am going to attempt to survive one week (or more) without any television. I'm already quite pissed about it.

A woman I met in Nashville told me about a book titled The Artist's Way. The book consists of a twelve-week program that re-sparks hidden creative talents. Sounds hokey, right? Right. Wrong! This book is changing my life! In the past three weeks I have written over 80 pages in a journal. I have written letters to old friends. I have shopped for art supplies!

My challenge for the next week is to give up television and reading. Supposedly, eliminating these two forms of media will shock my system into doing things like painting shelves odd shades of turquoise and baking foods that require more than four ingredients.

My biggest fear is that the only thing I will learn from this is just how much I love to take naps...

Sometimes when a person plans a trip to Kimmswick, she does it knowing there is a slim chance that the plan will fall apart at the last minute. My Kimmswick trip was cancelled. I could have made a solo journey, but good cheese is often lost when you don't have someone to share it with. SO, I grabbed one of our Dillards gift cards from the wedding, and drove to the mall. Free money! And we need drinking glasses!

I scouted around Dillards for a bit, and was very excited to find that the glasses I liked best were the cheapest glasses they offered. Very heavy, and only twenty dollars! With the remaining gift card money, I decided to find a pair of pants I can wear while serving drinks in my new glasses. Since the pant size I want to wear wouldn't quite fit, I decided to choose a new eating disorder and look for a new pair of sunglasses. Nobody is too big for sunglasses! I found a swanky black pair with rhinestones. They made me look like superstar, and were quite affordable! I quickly threw down the gift card.

Yesterday, Jeff received a phone call inviting us to a winery in Augusta. Wine with The Lovelies. I believe this event calls for Superstar Glasses!

Me: Do I look like a superstar in these glasses?

Jeff: You look just like a superstar.

Me: Does my ass look wide and jiggly in these jeans, or do you find it hard to look at my fat butt when I'm wearing my Superstar Glasses?

Jeff: Those glasses look great on you!

Me: I believe that is the answer I was looking for! Let's go and drink wine!

So, we got to the winery at 4:00. Although we sat at a table where The Beautiful Ones were swarming with their frosted mauve lipstick and their excellent taste in cheese and crackers, I felt like I was okay. (These sunglasses must be filled with self-confidence juice!) I drank the wine, I threw my head back with laughter a few times for effect, I pretended to love the brie ("This is good cheese!"), I was one of THEM!

But then I noticed the sun going down over the river. Suddenly I was Cinderella at the ball. Slow down, Sun! I was just starting to fit in! I was considering a manicure! I was starting to deny the fact that I can read above an eighth grade level! I could feel my hair getting longer and bouncier! I was getting ready to sign up for a co-ed team! My ass was shrinking!!!

The sun completed its descent, I removed the Superstar Glasses, and we left. Apparently, the winery makes everyone leave when the sun goes down. However, I couldn't help but think it was merely a ploy to get me out of there. Without the Superstar Glasses, I brought the crowd down a few levels. Without the Superstar Glasses, I'm just a girl in large pants who doesn't play sports.

Also, I never buy good cheese...